I had to change the location from where I normally put it. The good news is that I had the room to do that ... the bad news is that now my Great-Aunt Addie's cedar chest is no longer centered under the wall decor. And it's driving me nuts! But, with no other option, I'm forced to leave it there.
After church on Sunday, I spent time outside blowing leaves and doing some other chores that need done before the cold weather sets in. Sunday was the last of the pretty days for a while and I didn't want to miss the opportunity to check those things off my list. It severely cut into the time I had left to decorate, but it was nice being outside. It was really windy, so Davy's windchime was tinkling away. It's a soothing sound.
Last night my intention was to finish and have this task over and done with, but I needed a few things to continue. That trip to Target took a lot longer than I anticipated, so I didn't get as much done as I had hoped. It didn't take so at Target long because the store was so crowded (it wasn't), but because I have a tendency to wander when I get into that store. I had a small list, but I kept remembering other things I needed while I was there, so I spent more than I had intended, but I didn't buy anything I didn't "need".
Normally I can get the house decorated in one day, but my heart isn't into it this year. I think it's going to take me a whole lot longer this time around. I do have everything up from the basement, but I'm not rushing. I'm not going slow to savor the decorating process ... I'm just overwhelmed at facing the prospect of the first Christmas without my son.
Given the choice, my girls and I would skip Christmas altogether this year, but we can't. I have three grandbabies. They expect a festive and happy Christmas, and that is what they will get. We will pretend to be happy for them. My mom was so sad ... for years ... after my brother died. I remember thinking it must be so hard to lose a child. I was grateful I'd never have to know what that actually felt like. Fast forward 43 years and I found out I'm not so lucky afterall.
I normally put on Christmas music when I decorate the house, but this year I did not want to hear Christmas songs. Instead, I put on a video of a fire. Aside from the calming crackling of my pretend fire, my house was silent. Gone are the days of having three little ones constantly underfoot, wanting to "help". And now, gone are the days of having my three kids in the same room ever again.
The girls and I always had lunch together when we all worked downtown. Not too long after Davy died, the girls and I were sitting at a table having lunch, and I looked around and thought, "This is all that's left of my family now". It's only one less person, but he was a part of us ... an irritating younger brother and oftentimes annoying son ... but that one less person leaves a hole much bigger than the space one human takes up. A profound sadness swept over me I teared up, but was able to keep from crying. That still happens more times than I care to admit.
Davy was just days away from his 24th birthday ... so memories are everywhere. And not just in my home, but all over town. There's no way of escaping the onslaught of memories that pour out of buildings and parks and sidewalks as I drive to and from work, or when I'm out running errands. Davy is in the music on my phone and car radio. I don't want to forget him, but I do wish I could forget that he's gone, if only for a moment.
This isn't the first hardship I've had in my life, but it's definitely the hardest. All the other "hardships" were temporary ... this is permanent. But God hasn't chosen to take me yet, and so I have to keep on living. These days, I don't concentrate on everything I need to do ... I just try to do what is expected of me in that moment. I buy groceries. I fix meals. I work in my yard and clean my house. I put gas in my car and make sure the oil is changed. I go to work and fix computer problems. I spend time with my daughters and grandbabies, family and friends.
I pretend that I'm okay, even though I'm not. I pretend to be having a good time at gatherings, birthdays, and holidays, even though they no longer bring even a modicum of the joy they one did. I just do what I'm expected to do ... like I celebrating at special events, even though I'd rather just curl up in a ball and go to sleep.
We are offering a $1,000 REWARD for information leading to the arrest of the person responsible for the death of my son in a fatal hit and run on I-69 South on the Green River overpass in Evansville, Indiana around 11:00pm on Friday, June 22, 2018.The car that hit him was determined to be a 1998-2002 Silver Honda Accord. There would have been considerable damage to the front, passenger side of the vehicle, but it could be repaired by now. (See the Sheriff Bulletin below).
If you have any information, please contact the Sheriff's Office TIP line at 812-421-6297 or leave a web tip .
PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYE OUT
FOR THE CAR THAT KILLED MY SON!
Even if you don't live in the Evansville area, please keep an eye out for this car. It was traveling South on I-69. It could have been coming from and going to anywhere. The Sheriff's office will follow up any ANY lead.
The Sheriff’s Office has identified the make and model of the suspect vehicle from the fatal hit and run crash that killed 23-year old David “Davy” Egan, father of two, on Friday, June 22, 2018 on I-69 near south Green River Road.
: Silver 1998-2002 Honda Accord sedan. 2-door or 4-door body style. The vehicle will have damage to the front end.