Don't forget to visit my website! Jackie Coleman - Author

Friday, March 29, 2019

Yesterday was VERY Hard

Davy's car has not ran for over two years, maybe three. It's been sitting in front of my house all this time, which means I had to license a car that doesn't run. I switched the car loan to a signature loan last year so that I at least didn't have to carry insurance on it anymore. I suppose I could have scrapped it years ago, but I kept thinking I might get it fixed or sell it to someone to part out. When Davy died, the idea of selling his car was too much to contemplate.

Knowing I was going to salvage it later in the day, I was on the verge of tears from the moment I woke up. When it came time to actually start the ball rolling ... I lost it. I cried while I was cleaning it out, checking for anything he left inside. I cried when I called a salvage yard and arranged to have them tow it for scrap, and then I cried while I waited for it. I cried when they came to load it on the truck. I followed the tow truck to the salvage yard, tears streaming down my face, and I cried the entire time I was there. I was crying so hard I had to stop and compose myself before I could speak. I'm sure people behind me in line thought I was being a little overly dramatic, but they didn't know the circumstances behind scrapping this car.

I co-signed for the car for Davy because no one else would. I did it so that he knew I had faith in him. He needed a reliable car and he had a good job that would allow him to easily make the payments. He had thrown a LOT of obstacles in his way, but things were looking up. I wanted him to know I believed in him and was proud of him. About six months later, the engine seized and he had quit his really good job ... and so I became the proud owner of a car that didn't run and would take a couple thousand dollars to fix. I guess I held onto it so long because I was hoping he'd get another good job, save up the money, and get it fixed himself.

Right up until the end, I held out hope that he'd get his act together and finally grow up and take responsibility. He was making great strides, but then he hurt his arm, and that threw him back ... and that made it almost impossible to get a good paying job. Still, he kept looking and was willing to take anything, but when you can barely use your right arm ... and you're right-handed ... employment prospects are few. Even so, I kept encouraging him. I knew he was smart enough and resourceful enough to get through that rough patch ... and he was ... right up until that car mowed him down and kept on driving.

He had a "Smile More" sticker on the back. I was hoping it was a magnet, but it wasn't. There was some website or YouTube channel Davy liked that had that slogan. One day I hope to smile more, but yesterday was not that day.

I'm sure my neighbors will be glad to see the car is gone, and anyone else who uses the cul-de-sac to turn around ... but letting go of that car was like losing another piece of Davy ... and it hurt.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Giraffes 101

Of course, a giraffe's vertebrae are the size of a city block, but there are only seven of them!

Monday, March 25, 2019

In Case You Didn't Know ...

Horses and dinosaurs don't get along .... but if you put a fence between them, they're fine ...

Friday, March 22, 2019

Nine Months Today

This is how I feel inside ... but I somehow manage to get out of bed and do everything that's expected of me. Some days are worse than others, and on those bad days, I know the only reason I am able to stand upright is because the Lord is holding me up.

I read an article recently that said grief is like a ball in a box. On the side of the box is a pain button. After a loved ones death, the ball completely fills the box and is constantly pressing against the pain button. Over time, but size of the ball (grief) will get smaller, but it will still occasionally hit the pain button, and when it does, the pain is just as intense as it was in the beginning. Sometimes it will grow large again, hitting the pain button over and over. Eventually, the ball stays small longer and longer, but something can trigger it. It will grow again, but the amount of time it stays larger lessens. But, it doesn't matter how small the ball is, it can always hit the pain button. The ball is always there ... it never goes away entirely.

Right now, "my" ball is still big, and the pain is ever-present, but I know in time it will shrink. The weight on my chest will go away and my stomach won't feel like it's filled with acid.

Sadly, I'm one of the lucky ones, because I know what happened to my child. Some parents of abducted children go to their graves wondering if their child is alive or dead, cold and hungry, afraid and abused. My heart goes out to those parents. How sad it is that I'm "lucky" because I know my son is dead? But I got to say goodbye ... and many parents never get that luxury.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

I Can't Wait Until Summer

I plan on telling Davy's kids this ... and I'm sure they'll be searching for butterflies to send a message to their Daddy.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Lots of Rocks!

Hard to believe, but I've written about rocks twice last year. To me and my kids, rocks are a big ... and treasured ... gift. Here's a link to the other two rock blogs from July 13, 2018 and November 15, 2018 that will explain our obsession with rocks.

I took some trash out to the dumpster Sunday. As I was coming back in, I noticed a pile of small rocks by a side table on my porch, just outside my door. I'm at a loss as to how they could have gotten there. It hasn't been nice enough to take the grandkids outside to play, which means none of the little ones could have possibly done it. So, I'm going to believe it was Davy ... that he's still bringing me rocks.

I gathered them all up and put them in an old bottle my son-in-law gave to me. It makes me happy to think that Davy left these rocks by my front door. It doesn't matter is that's true or not ... it makes me happy to believe it.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Surprise Flowers

Flowers from someone special for no reason other than to put a smile on your face are the best kind of flowers 💖

Friday, March 15, 2019

Claim to Fame

Everybody, and every place, wants to be known for something. This however, is more comical than impressive!

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Mango Tea

I made some mango tea the other day. It tasted pretty good right after I made it, so I brought some to work. It didn't quite taste as good. I guess I was just really thirsty when I drank it at home!

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

Maybe I'm being selfish, Davy, but I'd much rather have you sitting on my sofa laughing or playing with your babies than have to settle for you simply being in my heart.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Somebody Wasn't Tired

So I thought I'd let him skip his nap. This is what I found when I came out of the bedroom after getting his sister down for a nap. He slept through his little cousin playing, quite noisily, with cars and blocks and other toys!

Yeah ... he wasn't tired.


Even if you don't live in the Evansville area, please keep an eye out for this car. It was traveling South on I-69. It could have been coming from and going to anywhere. The Sheriff's office will follow up any ANY lead.

The Sheriff’s Office has identified the make and model of the suspect vehicle from the fatal hit and run crash that killed 23-year old David “Davy” Egan, father of two, on Friday, June 22, 2018 on I-69 near south Green River Road.
SUSPECT VEHICLE: Silver 1998-2002 Honda Accord sedan. 2-door or 4-door body style. The vehicle will have damage to the front end.

If you know of a vehicle matching this description, please contact the Sheriff's Office TIP line at 812-421-6297 or leave a web tip here.

Friday, March 8, 2019

Teacup Wreath

I've been contemplating make this teacup wreath, but I would want to place it outside, by my front door ... and I worry that high winds will knock it around and break it into a million tiny pieces ... but isn't pretty

I guess this is an "inside" wreath, but it looks so spring-like I'd want it outside! I don't have anyplace to hang this inside, so I guess I'll just have to wish I had someplace to hang it and live vicariously through someone who does!

Thursday, March 7, 2019

I Believe

I believe in God, even when I don't feel His presence. I still love Him when I beg for something and his answer is "No". I believe He's beside me even if all I hear is silence. I don't have to feel Him to know that He's there, hurting when I hurt and rejoicing when I triumph. Why do I believe these things? Because God himself said so.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Meet Squirt and Sadie

Squirt is the turtle hanging on the edge of the pot. He was a gift from one of my sisters, because Davy liked turtles. I named him Squirt because that's what Davy named every turtle he ever had!

Sadie Snail lives in the plant with Squirt. I have a snail because Thing 1 is crazy about snails. No idea why ... she just is! She's kind of a weirdo, but she's my favorite weirdo, so I don't mind. Besides, being a weirdo just means she fits right into the family!!

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

My New, Most Treasured Possession ...

At 38" tall x 36" wide, it's much bigger than I expected, but I don't care. I can hang it where I planned, replacing the current picture above Davy's shrine. I moved the shelf down last night, and glued a mirror to the back of the print. The painting is currently on my living room floor with weights on it, waiting for the epoxy to set. Once I get it hung, it will look like it was meant to be there all along.

I'm still in shock that Ben gave me this incredibly thoughtful gift, painted from his heart to honor the memory of his childhood friend.

The painting.
The original photo.
Ben, the artist of this amazing painting, was there when we planted Davy's memorial Dogwood, and Davy's shrine, above which the painting will hang.

Davy and Ben in the tree house as kids. They were ALWAYS together playing.

Monday, March 4, 2019

Last Fire for the Season

I had just enough wood left to have a fire all day and into the evening. This is the last of the wood from all the trees I cut down the summer of 2017. I didn't have to buy any wood at all this year! It's supposed to be brutally cold today and tomorrow, but with any luck, that will be the last of winter ... I hope!

Sunday, March 3, 2019

I Had Davy's Babies Overnight Friday

After breakfast Saturday morning, they wanted to play with the Kenetic Sand. Super Why played with it all day, stopping only to love on three stuffed puppies Davy saved from his childhood. Davy LOVED those puppies! Sweet Pea played with the sand on and off ... she has babies to take care of, so she had to stop and feed her baby and lay them down for naps. And, she has a purse full of cool gadgets that she can't resist.

In case you were wondering, when horses eat Kenetic Sand, they dive in ... literally ...

Sweet Pea laid down with her baby to try to get her to sleep ...

It must have been too light, so she moved into the tent ...

And here's Super Why cuddling his Daddy's favorite stuffed animals. Annie is on the left, Max is on the right (Max and Annie are married), and I think the middle puppy was named Ralph ...

Davy loved those animals, so much so that he saved them from childhood into adulthood. Here he is trying to teach Max and Annie to play piano. Despite his best efforts, they tried, but they never did learn how to play the piano!

I was at Davy's house one time, and he brought out Max and Annie. He held up Max and asked, "Mom, who is this?"

I said, "Max."

He held up Annie and asked the same thing, and I told him that was Annie.

Then he asked, "How are they related?"

I replied, very matter-of-factly, "They're married."

He looked at the person he married and said, "See?"

I guess she didn't believe the love story we wove of Max and Annie ... but it's true!

Friday, March 1, 2019


In the summer of 2016, I wrote on my chalkboard ... "Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done." It was to be a daily reminder that things may not always go the way I want them to, but everything is being done according to His will. I don't have to understand, I just have to accept that there is a reason for adversity and pain.

A week or so ago, I added one more line, "(But why did that mean taking my son?)"

I can't wait to get to Heaven and see my son, brother, and parents again ... and to finally know why God took Davy home that night. As badly as I want to see my departed loved ones, especially Davy, I would never do anything hasten my homecoming. But ... I will happily go when the Lord calls me home. Hopefully I still have a lot of living to do, and pray that I'll be around to watch my grandkids grow up, get married, and have babies of their own ... and, of course, my girls still need me.

Apparently, my work on earth is not done yet, but it will be someday ... and I will be met at the Pearly Gates by Davy ... who will probably give me one of his painful hugs ... which I will relish it like parched ground finally receiving rain.